Penis Crushaaaa' Smushaaaaa
by SarahZorEl
Summary: Oh Rao... Oh Rao... Oh Rao... That... that looks like it might've hurt Dave. [Aka precisely what it sounds like. LMAO]


**Me being bonkers... purely writing something quick and random to amuse myself. How much sense this actually makes I'm not too sure... but let me know if it's funny... all I know is that I'm lolling but I'm not exactly a good judge on that one :')**

* * *

Well..

So how do I put this...

you know that time... when your mother sits you down and you have a nice _horrifying_ chat about where exactly that stray penis goes.. y'know like when your minding your own business and you suddenly find yourself jerking off your best friend at the theatre... y'know that kind of _friend._ _After that.._

.. Or then she ends up telling you about what happens after the bee accidentally stings you without using protection _in the vagina_ and you end up pregnant because you totally _forgot_ to use bug repellent... _or protection!_

...or how the birdy inevitably gives birth to a baby Kryptonian and the stalk subsequently lands you with _hella'_ responsibilities ... which frankly _is weird_ because we didn't have birds on Krypton ... _clearly why we had the matrix for this shit._

And lastly when she casually _not so casually_ mentions THAT the reason as to **why** you happened to have looked down one day to find a mass of curly wurlys down below or why your boobs were suddenly just **bigger** than Kals head was because of _Puberty_ and sexual discovery.. and _all of that jazz._

That kinda conversation... _lovely stuff._

...OF NIGHTMARES.

Well... ten years on, after three _Alien boyfriends. When you'd_ finally gotten over your trauma from **that** conversation _a decade later.._ on a night you'd decided _to hell with it'_ that for once your Kryptonian prudish utterly cruelish nature could _suck it_ because you needed a man... now... fast...

... a nice handsome man... with a big-

... PeRsOnAlItY because your hormones where rampant and you'd just defeated a big bad villain and you feel like celebrating so you find...

DAVE.

 _GUYS.. meet Dave Cranston...he's 28.. a business man from ainsley and he's freakishly handsome._

 _... he seems like the type of man who you'd be happy to take to the theatre with you._

 _... you could play some completely innocent nOn SeXuAl games with him, like tonsil hockey... tongue twister and crotch smash._

Crotch smash being the operative wording after tonight's _tragic presentation on why Kryptonians aren't allowed_ sex like AT ALL.

WHERE WAS THE TALK ON THAT MOM?!

... Don't tell me ELIZA just _forgot to mention that my_ vulva could wrap itself around a cock and crush it like chopped lover... I MEAN _WHAT ABOUT THOSSSEEEEE RESPONSIBILITIES HEY._

FUCKING FORGET SPRING TIME METAPHORS OR BEE EJACULATE.

I NEEDED TO KNOW PENIS SQUISHING WAS A POSSIBILITY.

BUT I DIDN'T AND NOW DAVES PENIS LOOKS LIKE ITS GONE THROUGH A FUCKING SHREDDER.

OH BOY.

 _... WELL HE'S NOT A BOY ANYMORE I DONT THINK_

MY BAD.

OOOPSIE.

* * *

Lets rewind...

So two hours earlier... after consuming half a bottle of alien alcohol, dancing the headless chicken... and grinding like her life was ending... Kara being the reckless cardigan nerd that she was chose to do the naked tango with Dave™...

Crashing through his front door... pressing him into every wall, table and floor.. teeth smashing into gums.. tongues lapping at each others throats.. Kara wound up on top of him.. swaying slightly as she giggled and he laughed at her trembling attempt at unbuttoning his trousers.

Shirt untucked, dress flung.. and boxers around his ankles... he stared up in awe at how _surprisingly_ muscular she was.. lying "I work out" _anyways... back too it..._

Bouncing.. grasping, moaning.. he felt _so so good_.. exactly what she needed... sinking down again and again... spreading her legs.. letting her wetness drip down _straaaight_ onto him... gyrating... head swimming... control _slackening... "yesss right there right there... so good mhmmm"_ hitting the sweetest angle she convulsed... body jerking as he followed grunting... filling her up... that was until his hips bolted upwards... unconsciously... hitting that spot spurring her on and right into the most perfect... **incredible**... world destroying second release she'd ever had.

Seeing stars... feeling hot _hot_ liquid between two clenching quaking thighs... suddenly he'd gone soft... he wasn't .. _what?!_

HE'D POPPED

Screaming out in agony... Dave scrambled forward knocking her off the bed until she'd hit the floor.. gripping onto his crotch before collapsing hitting the hard wood himself... dizzied from blood loss.

Throughly shocked, scared to fuck and still drunk she mumbled "Da-daveeee... davidddd whatzzz wr- *hiccup* -rong?"

Crawling to him... mind still fuzzy she turned him over, looking at him until her eyes landed on "OH FU-"

Flying quicker than dynamite.. cradling her half nude half dead lover in both arms... she landed at the ER with a 'thunk' throat bobbing... trying to steady her nausea. _Not now vomit!_

Swaying... speeding into the hospital screaming for someone to just... _help._

Well Rao forbid the _looks she got..._

There stood... Supergirl... lipstick smudged.. hair a ball of floof, cape hanging off to one side.. tights _nowhere to be found_ and a man holding his bloodied crotch between two shaky super arms... it was a _scene..._

One she'd be seeing in her dreams until the day she walked into Rao's Light... she could see her god.. his head shaking now... in judgement... in laugher... only Rao would know...

Everyone just... **stopped**... like someone could've given birth to a facking dinosaur and it wouldn't have mattered...

Gurgling "Umph Help i need help!"

Taking him from her... she marched beside them until the medical staff took him into a booth stripping him down...

Chastising "um you can't be in here Supergirl... he needs _privacy."_

Still a little uninhibited from the alcohol she waved them off.. "pfft nothing I haven't seen before like ten minutes ago... anyhoo"

Raising a curious brow the nurses looked to her in questioning...

Acknowledging "oh uh... thissss may have beeeeen a tinny wheenie bit my fault..."

Blushing, flushing like mad... they all looked to her expecting her to keep on going...

Kara explained using strange hand signals "Well we were... and he.. and I... and then... again... and IT WAS AN ACCIDENT."

Shoving her face into her hands trying not to cry at the _horror_ on their features, mumbling muffled "Rao.. I didn't know... I wouldn't have slept with him If I'd have known this could happen..." Head peeking up looking over too him, lip trembling... "I'm so sorry!"

His eyes snapped up with a vengeance as the nurses continued attending to him, realisation setting in as he broke away from his pain and confusion "YOUR SUPERGIRL... I FUCKING SLEPT WITH SUPERGIRL?!"

Continuing he didn't let up... "YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME THAT WHEN YOUR ORGASM CRUSHED MY COCK AND BALLS INTO A GIANT PILE OF ASH... YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME YOU WHERE A FUCKING ALIEN BEFORE I CAME INSIDE OF YOU?!."

Kara winced as the crowd around them gasped and the nurses cringed...

"TELL ME NOW THAT THERE IS NO WAY YOU'LL END UP PREGNANT... THAT I WONT END UP WITH SOME WEIRD HYBRID SUPERPOWERED BABIES ON MY HANDS...?!"

Irritated... folding her arms.. tapping her foot not liking the xenophobic turn this just took... _turns out Dave isn't nice at all._

" _EXCUSE YOU_.. OF COURSE NOT... HUMANS CANT GET ME PREGNANT... AND CONDOMS-"

Halting and looking up to the eyes on her she gulped "Doesn't- doesn't matter but _no_ I'm hardly gonna hook up with you if there was any chance I'd get pregnant or if I knew this'd end up happening!..." Tearing up "IM SORRY OK?!"

Freakin' out, flailing his arms... he threw multiple jabs her way "Fucking whore.. I knew those abs were too good to be true... I should've settled for a fucking hand job... but then knowing you.. you'd probably still squeeze too hard and we'd be here again anyway owwww ahhh... _so not worth it... owww so so not worth it!"_

... aaaaaand that was the _worst day in the history of worst days for Kara Zor-El..._ she'd practically packed up her supersuit bound in cloth hanging from a stick against her shoulders in a makeshift luggage holdall.

Chanting like a Snow White dwarf... Heigh Ho... off To the Priesthood we go...


End file.
